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OT: The Simone Collection - Printable Version

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OT: The Simone Collection - Hulk01 - 02-26-2014

Way off topic--way--but things are so quiet I thought some of you would enjoy these as much as many other friends have.

My assistant Simone likes to add spice to her daily drudge.  Here are three recent letters: To a woman requesting an interview with me, a man seeing if my company needed “software professionals,” and the leasing agent for a local apartment complex:

One:

Dear Ms. Kennerly:

Mr. Beckwith routinely agrees to interviews with editors, reporters and even, in a recent case, eighth-graders from New Preston, Connecticut.

He does require that your questions be in writing. Answering in writing allows Mr. Beckwith to craft the thoughtful, succinct, and clear English for which he is known. His oral answers, by contrast, often drift into a stream-of-consciousness, particularly if Stanford lost a recent game. Or if his interviewer seems unprepared (hint.) Or if you attended Southern Cal, believe that the Mayans were spot on about 12/21/12, or sport a Trump for President bumper sticker.

Please submit your questions in writing. Mr. Beckwith will respond within not more than ten working days, unless of course he takes longer. Or a lot longer. Or most of this year and part of next.

Mr. Beckwith's unusual blend of perfectionism, ADHD absent-mindedness, gasp-provoking genius, and regular, week-long bouts with don’t-give-a-damnedness all but ensure that within weeks you will wish that you had sent this interview request to Brian Tracy, Harvey Mccoy, or Geoffrey Giddomer instead.

Whoever they are.

Sincerely but don’t push it,
Simone Deveraux
Gatekeeper, ghost writer, and liason with process servers
Beckwith Partners USA

Two:
Letter in response to an email from a Blake Caruthers which began:

"Hi Harry,  We haven't connected lately... just thought of checking in to see if your company has any challenging openings that Sterling-Hoffman can help with? We have access to a North America-wide network of experienced software professionals (currently we have some exceptional talent from McAfee, IBM, Citrix, Oracle, etc.). Which means all you need to do is tell us the position you are hiring for and we can get the candidates to you quickly! :) . . ."

Her reply:
Well howdy there, Blakester!

Of course you and Harry have not connected lately. You have never connected. You merely send him spam letters that feign a friendship by beginning "Hi Harry." Harry never would utter the word Hi! to anyone over 14. It sounds disrespectful.

You pretend to know him but then ask if he needs software professionals. If you were more than a faux acquaintance you would know that Beckwith Partners employs only only two people and never will employ more: He and me.

But that said, do you have any software professionals experienced in retaliating to spam by setting the spammer's home on fire? If so, please contact me and then State Farm. They are a Beckwith Partners client since 1998 and offer excellent fire insurance.  You need the $4 million umbrella policy with the Brigham waiver  Tell them Harry referred you.

Otherwise, we never would need a software professional. And you would know that if weren't so exhausted from mailing 10 million spams a month.

And hey, nice emoticon use there Blakey!  What sentiment did you hope to convey? That's so #hashtaggy of you! You should have sent a selfie too!!  They also give one the air of someone who believes there is no such thing as looking hopelessly out of touch.

Finally Blakester, did you enjoy Comdex? You would remember me from the Oracle cocktail party at the Bellagio but never once looked above my clavicle. And who was that hot brunette alongside you? 

I saw your wife last weekend at Barneys in Beverly Hills. No, I didn't say anything.  We just shared fond memories of attending NYU in the early 90’s.  She did mention that she helps you track these emails and their responses, however, so I have cc'd her above.

We look forward to your response any second. 

Don't forget to call State Farm,
Simone Deveraux
Gatekeeper, that 34C from Comdex, aspiring arsonist
Beckwith Partners USA

Three:
Dear Ms. Kaplan:

On his evening walk last night, Mr. Beckwith spotted at the entrance to The Minikahda Club your billboard announcing that your apartments are “designed for the way you really live.”

This suggests that you may have special insights into the needs of men like him. At your earliest convenience, could you notify if you offer the following features that reflect how Mr. Beckwith really lives?

1. Four kitchen sinks for dishes.

2. A trampoline-like floor from which tossed clothes bounce up onto clothes’ hooks.

3. A flame point Himalayan cat that chips in now and then and does not double as a 3:15 am alarm clock.

4. A self-cleaning floor to match the oven. Mr. Beckwith told me yesterday that he thinks his vacuum cleaner still works. I drove over to check. The Costco hang tag and two Dyson display stickers still are attached.

5. A refrigerator with a block-of-cheese-sized bin for the fruit or the vegetable and a suitcase-sized section for wine and beer.

Thanks for your prompt response.

Sincerely, whatever that really means,
Simone Deveraux
Gatekeeper, excuse-maker, eye candy for weekends
Beckwith Partners USA


Salutationally Yours - needle - 02-26-2014

Having fun with letter closings is one of many reasons why I prefer email to texting.

I miss writing crazy subject lines, though. Damn gmail.

Re: OT: The Simone Collection - yvonne - 02-26-2014

It's a lot more respectful of the other person's time to simply say, "Sorry, I'm not available."

Re: OT: The Simone Collection - Hulk01 - 02-26-2014

You assume that one or more of these letters were actually sent?



Re: OT: The Simone Collection - yvonne - 02-26-2014

I KNOW one of the letters was sent.

I thought you were talking about Nina, dammit! (NT) - CowboyIndian - 02-26-2014

(NT)

Re: OT: The Simone Collection - BostonCard - 02-26-2014

I thought you were going to comment on "He and me"

BC

Re: OT: The Simone Collection - Stymie - 02-26-2014

Methinks that Mr. Hulk is having his Nathaniel West moment.  It's a good one, though!

Re: OT: The Simone Collection - Hulk01 - 02-26-2014

Yvonne, I sent this as part of a joke to one person--you--after i explained at some length why i could not participate in an interview regarding job seekers.  I made clear that I don't like to offer wisdom on subjects that I do not understand and dislike it when purported gurus do.  I am swamped and wrote you a detailed response, particularly under the circumsances, detailing how I could not take time away to offer free advice on a topic about which i know very little and to an audience that is not the audience for my services.

I am startled by your response and your failure to see it for what it was--a parody.

I am gone.

Nice going.

In praise of the cold call - Mick - 02-26-2014

Hulk, I love you man and I respect 99.9% of the things you say...and you're far more right than wrong on the cold call thing.

But if I'm being honest, I will tell you that I have had five life-changing experiences in my business life, and four of them started with a cold call.  One was a vendor (in a business I know really, really well; one that is full of charlatans) that delivered an immediate net benefit to my firm of about $4 million on a $60,000 investment, and permanent, ongoing process benefits of substantial (though indeterminate) value.

Re: OT: The Simone Collection - oman - 02-26-2014

If I had stuck with pre-med I would know what a clavicle is.

[Image: img40111570.jpg]

 

Well, crap. And we wonder how teams... - Redrum - 02-26-2014

with the home crowd and all the momentum blow 30 point leads. 

Re: OT: The Simone Collection - teejers1 - 02-26-2014

So let me get this straight:  Hulk posts parody letters that no one here had a clue about, except one person, and that one person states her reaction to receiving the parody letter - would have been more courteous to receive an "I am unavailable" letter - and now Hulk berates that person and "takes his ball and goes home."  And btw, no one here had any clue what was going on until the "I'm going home" post (or at least I didn't).

Whatever.

Well, Hulk, you can always try the Bootbo . . . oh, wait.  Never mind. 

Re: OT: The Simone Collection - bl82 - 02-26-2014

I think Teejers pretty much nailed it, but I suspect we don't want to sound too enthusiastic about Simone lest these turn into fodder for some forthcoming little pink book.

Re: OT: The Simone Collection - Papa John - 02-26-2014

(02-26-2014, 04:41 PM)teejers1 link Wrote:And btw, no one here had any clue what was going on until the "I'm going home" post (or at least I didn't).

Being one of the new kids on the block, I definitely had no idea was going on. But I'm guessing that anyone who knows Ms. Kennerly knew something. Whether he intentionally included Ms. Kennerly's name or meant to delete it but forgot, I'd go so far as to say that Mr. Beckwith actually owes someone an apology (not that he'll ever see this message).

And, for the record, I've made an *ss of myself many times while trying to be funny. That's why I've become pretty good at apologizing. And the cool thing is that most people are willing to forgive.

Re: OT: The Simone Collection - pefloresjr - 02-26-2014

Well, the bottom line is that people have to right to come and go on any board and there will be conflicts and hurt feelings over some of those conflicts.  Given the unusual, wonderful nature of the disucussions in this community, I hope that anybody who gets hurt or angry about another's posts will do their best to take a step back, take a deep breath, and continue as part of our community.

If necessary, a private message explaining one's position may be helpful.  I have been involved in private messages of that nature a few times since I've been around.  (Come to think of it, I never have apologized to those Texasphiles for purposely posting outrageous things about their heritage.  I'll need some more time and breaths before peace comes to that valley.) 

That's my dos centavos. 

Cheers,
Pete F.

Re: OT: The Simone Collection - Extra Point - 02-26-2014

I am as confused about this thread as most people seem to be. There are probably some people here who can shed more light on all of this. But, perhaps this knowledge will only cause more bad feelings. I think this may be a case where we can learn from the mistakes of others and move on before more damage is done.

Re: OT: The Simone Collection - PrinceLightfoot - 02-26-2014

This seems like something private that was brought to the public eye on top of a misunderstanding between two individuals who bring so much to our unique community voluntarily.

For being so intelligent, this is display of how unwise we can sometimes react whether that reaction is founded or otherwise - the intent, rationalization, assumptions, or senses of righteousness do not matter...only the result which is clearly a net loss.

Love ya both, Yvonne and Hulk. I hope the people who have read this thread flush it from their memories.

Mis dos centavos tambien.

El Mas Cabron,
PL

Re: OT: The Simone Collection - BostonCard - 02-26-2014

Obviously this is between Hulk and Yvonne, but I want to throw my two cents in as well.  We all hope you guys patch this up.  This seems like a classic lose-lose.

BC

Re: OT: The Simone Collection - Bruce Wang - 02-27-2014

I agree wholeheartedly with the above sentiments.  We wouldn't be here without Yvonne.  Hulk has brought so much insight and humor recently.

I've had the pleasure of meeting Yvonne in person, and I've had enough private communication with Hulk that my impression of them both is very positive.  I hope they patch things up.

Let's remember that written communication online is rife with the potential for miscommunication especially when we don't know each other in the real world.  For example those of you who have been here long enough know that I can be very sarcastic and cutting, which is always meant in jest.  But I could see people (particularly our Honorable Heathens) thinking I'm a Richie Incognito-like a-hole.