02-26-2014, 06:34 AM
Way off topic--way--but things are so quiet I thought some of you would enjoy these as much as many other friends have.
My assistant Simone likes to add spice to her daily drudge. Here are three recent letters: To a woman requesting an interview with me, a man seeing if my company needed software professionals, and the leasing agent for a local apartment complex:
One:
Dear Ms. Kennerly:
Mr. Beckwith routinely agrees to interviews with editors, reporters and even, in a recent case, eighth-graders from New Preston, Connecticut.
He does require that your questions be in writing. Answering in writing allows Mr. Beckwith to craft the thoughtful, succinct, and clear English for which he is known. His oral answers, by contrast, often drift into a stream-of-consciousness, particularly if Stanford lost a recent game. Or if his interviewer seems unprepared (hint.) Or if you attended Southern Cal, believe that the Mayans were spot on about 12/21/12, or sport a Trump for President bumper sticker.
Please submit your questions in writing. Mr. Beckwith will respond within not more than ten working days, unless of course he takes longer. Or a lot longer. Or most of this year and part of next.
Mr. Beckwith's unusual blend of perfectionism, ADHD absent-mindedness, gasp-provoking genius, and regular, week-long bouts with dont-give-a-damnedness all but ensure that within weeks you will wish that you had sent this interview request to Brian Tracy, Harvey Mccoy, or Geoffrey Giddomer instead.
Whoever they are.
Sincerely but dont push it,
Simone Deveraux
Gatekeeper, ghost writer, and liason with process servers
Beckwith Partners USA
Two:
Letter in response to an email from a Blake Caruthers which began:
"Hi Harry, We haven't connected lately... just thought of checking in to see if your company has any challenging openings that Sterling-Hoffman can help with? We have access to a North America-wide network of experienced software professionals (currently we have some exceptional talent from McAfee, IBM, Citrix, Oracle, etc.). Which means all you need to do is tell us the position you are hiring for and we can get the candidates to you quickly! :) . . ."
Her reply:
Well howdy there, Blakester!
Of course you and Harry have not connected lately. You have never connected. You merely send him spam letters that feign a friendship by beginning "Hi Harry." Harry never would utter the word Hi! to anyone over 14. It sounds disrespectful.
You pretend to know him but then ask if he needs software professionals. If you were more than a faux acquaintance you would know that Beckwith Partners employs only only two people and never will employ more: He and me.
But that said, do you have any software professionals experienced in retaliating to spam by setting the spammer's home on fire? If so, please contact me and then State Farm. They are a Beckwith Partners client since 1998 and offer excellent fire insurance. You need the $4 million umbrella policy with the Brigham waiver Tell them Harry referred you.
Otherwise, we never would need a software professional. And you would know that if weren't so exhausted from mailing 10 million spams a month.
And hey, nice emoticon use there Blakey! What sentiment did you hope to convey? That's so #hashtaggy of you! You should have sent a selfie too!! They also give one the air of someone who believes there is no such thing as looking hopelessly out of touch.
Finally Blakester, did you enjoy Comdex? You would remember me from the Oracle cocktail party at the Bellagio but never once looked above my clavicle. And who was that hot brunette alongside you?Â
I saw your wife last weekend at Barneys in Beverly Hills. No, I didn't say anything. We just shared fond memories of attending NYU in the early 90s. She did mention that she helps you track these emails and their responses, however, so I have cc'd her above.
We look forward to your response any second.Â
Don't forget to call State Farm,
Simone Deveraux
Gatekeeper, that 34C from Comdex, aspiring arsonist
Beckwith Partners USA
Three:
Dear Ms. Kaplan:
On his evening walk last night, Mr. Beckwith spotted at the entrance to The Minikahda Club your billboard announcing that your apartments are designed for the way you really live.
This suggests that you may have special insights into the needs of men like him. At your earliest convenience, could you notify if you offer the following features that reflect how Mr. Beckwith really lives?
1. Four kitchen sinks for dishes.
2. A trampoline-like floor from which tossed clothes bounce up onto clothes hooks.
3. A flame point Himalayan cat that chips in now and then and does not double as a 3:15 am alarm clock.
4. A self-cleaning floor to match the oven. Mr. Beckwith told me yesterday that he thinks his vacuum cleaner still works. I drove over to check. The Costco hang tag and two Dyson display stickers still are attached.
5. A refrigerator with a block-of-cheese-sized bin for the fruit or the vegetable and a suitcase-sized section for wine and beer.
Thanks for your prompt response.
Sincerely, whatever that really means,
Simone Deveraux
Gatekeeper, excuse-maker, eye candy for weekends
Beckwith Partners USA
My assistant Simone likes to add spice to her daily drudge. Here are three recent letters: To a woman requesting an interview with me, a man seeing if my company needed software professionals, and the leasing agent for a local apartment complex:
One:
Dear Ms. Kennerly:
Mr. Beckwith routinely agrees to interviews with editors, reporters and even, in a recent case, eighth-graders from New Preston, Connecticut.
He does require that your questions be in writing. Answering in writing allows Mr. Beckwith to craft the thoughtful, succinct, and clear English for which he is known. His oral answers, by contrast, often drift into a stream-of-consciousness, particularly if Stanford lost a recent game. Or if his interviewer seems unprepared (hint.) Or if you attended Southern Cal, believe that the Mayans were spot on about 12/21/12, or sport a Trump for President bumper sticker.
Please submit your questions in writing. Mr. Beckwith will respond within not more than ten working days, unless of course he takes longer. Or a lot longer. Or most of this year and part of next.
Mr. Beckwith's unusual blend of perfectionism, ADHD absent-mindedness, gasp-provoking genius, and regular, week-long bouts with dont-give-a-damnedness all but ensure that within weeks you will wish that you had sent this interview request to Brian Tracy, Harvey Mccoy, or Geoffrey Giddomer instead.
Whoever they are.
Sincerely but dont push it,
Simone Deveraux
Gatekeeper, ghost writer, and liason with process servers
Beckwith Partners USA
Two:
Letter in response to an email from a Blake Caruthers which began:
"Hi Harry, We haven't connected lately... just thought of checking in to see if your company has any challenging openings that Sterling-Hoffman can help with? We have access to a North America-wide network of experienced software professionals (currently we have some exceptional talent from McAfee, IBM, Citrix, Oracle, etc.). Which means all you need to do is tell us the position you are hiring for and we can get the candidates to you quickly! :) . . ."
Her reply:
Well howdy there, Blakester!
Of course you and Harry have not connected lately. You have never connected. You merely send him spam letters that feign a friendship by beginning "Hi Harry." Harry never would utter the word Hi! to anyone over 14. It sounds disrespectful.
You pretend to know him but then ask if he needs software professionals. If you were more than a faux acquaintance you would know that Beckwith Partners employs only only two people and never will employ more: He and me.
But that said, do you have any software professionals experienced in retaliating to spam by setting the spammer's home on fire? If so, please contact me and then State Farm. They are a Beckwith Partners client since 1998 and offer excellent fire insurance. You need the $4 million umbrella policy with the Brigham waiver Tell them Harry referred you.
Otherwise, we never would need a software professional. And you would know that if weren't so exhausted from mailing 10 million spams a month.
And hey, nice emoticon use there Blakey! What sentiment did you hope to convey? That's so #hashtaggy of you! You should have sent a selfie too!! They also give one the air of someone who believes there is no such thing as looking hopelessly out of touch.
Finally Blakester, did you enjoy Comdex? You would remember me from the Oracle cocktail party at the Bellagio but never once looked above my clavicle. And who was that hot brunette alongside you?Â
I saw your wife last weekend at Barneys in Beverly Hills. No, I didn't say anything. We just shared fond memories of attending NYU in the early 90s. She did mention that she helps you track these emails and their responses, however, so I have cc'd her above.
We look forward to your response any second.Â
Don't forget to call State Farm,
Simone Deveraux
Gatekeeper, that 34C from Comdex, aspiring arsonist
Beckwith Partners USA
Three:
Dear Ms. Kaplan:
On his evening walk last night, Mr. Beckwith spotted at the entrance to The Minikahda Club your billboard announcing that your apartments are designed for the way you really live.
This suggests that you may have special insights into the needs of men like him. At your earliest convenience, could you notify if you offer the following features that reflect how Mr. Beckwith really lives?
1. Four kitchen sinks for dishes.
2. A trampoline-like floor from which tossed clothes bounce up onto clothes hooks.
3. A flame point Himalayan cat that chips in now and then and does not double as a 3:15 am alarm clock.
4. A self-cleaning floor to match the oven. Mr. Beckwith told me yesterday that he thinks his vacuum cleaner still works. I drove over to check. The Costco hang tag and two Dyson display stickers still are attached.
5. A refrigerator with a block-of-cheese-sized bin for the fruit or the vegetable and a suitcase-sized section for wine and beer.
Thanks for your prompt response.
Sincerely, whatever that really means,
Simone Deveraux
Gatekeeper, excuse-maker, eye candy for weekends
Beckwith Partners USA