02-16-2013, 11:39 AM
A Bleacher Report Catechism
Q. Father, is there ever an acceptable time to link to the Bleacher Report?
A: No. There is not even an acceptable time to read the Bleacher Report.
Q. Why, Father?
A: Because the Bleacher Report is a barnacle, a parasite leaching off of the wondrous beast that is the internet. It clogs our Google searches and pollutes our minds. It reduces us to particularly stupid versions of ESPN screamers. And it encourages them to do more.
Q. But what if it is the offseason and I am bored?
A: Make fun of kal or U.S.C.
Q. He has a preference?
A. He does.
Q. What if I link to the Bleacher Report as a way to make fun of kal or U.S.C.?
A. There is no acceptable time to link to the Bleacher Report, Timmy.
Q: My name is Jimmy.
A: Whatever, Kimmy.
Q. What will happen to those who consort with the Bleacher Report?
A: Those who are unrepentant readers of the Bleacher Report will be consigned to purgatory. (Do five Hail Marys, by the way, Blimpy.) Those who write for the Bleacher Report will be consigned to the Second Circle of Hell, along with those overcome by lust. They will be forced to watch Bill Plaschke composing one-sentence paragraphs and taking three-martini lunches, and their grandmothers will be saying, "You know, Pimmy, you have a talent for writing! I bet you could be a real Grantland Rice!"
Those who founded the Bleacher Report will be consigned to the Eighth Circle of Hell, along with those who practice fraud. They will spend their time in the most sweltering of saunas, overcome by thirst, as they survey a table regimented with cups of liquid -- ninety-nine of a hundred of which are full of odorless, tasteless laxative while one of a hundred has flat, metallic water from Arizona. Then they will be forced to meet with Venture Capitalists with no bathroom or refreshment breaks while the VC complains of not getting a high enough multiple.
Q. That sounds pretty bad.
A. It does, Winnie. Don't look at the Bleacher Report. And don't ever mention it again.
Pope Benedict was just about to put it into the official catechism and everything.
Q. Father, is there ever an acceptable time to link to the Bleacher Report?
A: No. There is not even an acceptable time to read the Bleacher Report.
Q. Why, Father?
A: Because the Bleacher Report is a barnacle, a parasite leaching off of the wondrous beast that is the internet. It clogs our Google searches and pollutes our minds. It reduces us to particularly stupid versions of ESPN screamers. And it encourages them to do more.
Q. But what if it is the offseason and I am bored?
A: Make fun of kal or U.S.C.
Q. He has a preference?
A. He does.
Q. What if I link to the Bleacher Report as a way to make fun of kal or U.S.C.?
A. There is no acceptable time to link to the Bleacher Report, Timmy.
Q: My name is Jimmy.
A: Whatever, Kimmy.
Q. What will happen to those who consort with the Bleacher Report?
A: Those who are unrepentant readers of the Bleacher Report will be consigned to purgatory. (Do five Hail Marys, by the way, Blimpy.) Those who write for the Bleacher Report will be consigned to the Second Circle of Hell, along with those overcome by lust. They will be forced to watch Bill Plaschke composing one-sentence paragraphs and taking three-martini lunches, and their grandmothers will be saying, "You know, Pimmy, you have a talent for writing! I bet you could be a real Grantland Rice!"
Those who founded the Bleacher Report will be consigned to the Eighth Circle of Hell, along with those who practice fraud. They will spend their time in the most sweltering of saunas, overcome by thirst, as they survey a table regimented with cups of liquid -- ninety-nine of a hundred of which are full of odorless, tasteless laxative while one of a hundred has flat, metallic water from Arizona. Then they will be forced to meet with Venture Capitalists with no bathroom or refreshment breaks while the VC complains of not getting a high enough multiple.
Q. That sounds pretty bad.
A. It does, Winnie. Don't look at the Bleacher Report. And don't ever mention it again.
Pope Benedict was just about to put it into the official catechism and everything.