02-16-2013, 12:32 PM
Q. What will happen to those who consort with the Bleacher Report?
A: Those who are unrepentant readers of the Bleacher Report will be consigned to purgatory. (Do five Hail Marys, by the way, Blimpy.) Those who write for the Bleacher Report will be consigned to the Second Circle of Hell, along with those overcome by lust. They will be forced to watch Bill Plaschke composing one-sentence paragraphs and taking three-martini lunches, and their grandmothers will be saying, "You know, Pimmy, you have a talent for writing! I bet you could be a real Grantland Rice!"
...
Q. That sounds pretty bad.
A. It does, Winnie. Don't look at the Bleacher Report. And don't ever mention it again.
Q. So what can we do besides read Bleacher Report, Dad?
A. Well, now you know why not to read Bleacher Report, but now we need to make sure the lesson sticks.
Q. What are you going to do, Dad?
A. I'm going to take you to a Stanford men's basketball game and let Dr. Dawkins teach you the mind trick of wishing you were somewhere else.
Q. But where else would I want to go?
A. Anywhere else. Don't worry. Daddy will take you out of the arena when you start clawing at your own eyes.
Q. What if where I wish to go is Bleacher Report?
A. Daddy will still have to punish you again...but whatever I do you'll know I do it out of love and it won't be as bad as going to see Dr. Dawkins.
A: Those who are unrepentant readers of the Bleacher Report will be consigned to purgatory. (Do five Hail Marys, by the way, Blimpy.) Those who write for the Bleacher Report will be consigned to the Second Circle of Hell, along with those overcome by lust. They will be forced to watch Bill Plaschke composing one-sentence paragraphs and taking three-martini lunches, and their grandmothers will be saying, "You know, Pimmy, you have a talent for writing! I bet you could be a real Grantland Rice!"
...
Q. That sounds pretty bad.
A. It does, Winnie. Don't look at the Bleacher Report. And don't ever mention it again.
Q. So what can we do besides read Bleacher Report, Dad?
A. Well, now you know why not to read Bleacher Report, but now we need to make sure the lesson sticks.
Q. What are you going to do, Dad?
A. I'm going to take you to a Stanford men's basketball game and let Dr. Dawkins teach you the mind trick of wishing you were somewhere else.
Q. But where else would I want to go?
A. Anywhere else. Don't worry. Daddy will take you out of the arena when you start clawing at your own eyes.
Q. What if where I wish to go is Bleacher Report?
A. Daddy will still have to punish you again...but whatever I do you'll know I do it out of love and it won't be as bad as going to see Dr. Dawkins.